As I'm writing at this very moment, I am at my workplace. Had to write down some stuffs cuz I can't really open up to anyone, exactly no one. Hell, I almost outted myself just now. If I did, it would definitely turn out to be a nightmare, that's for sure.
Indeed, it was an overwhelm day for me; after a whole day of babysitting, chores and tidying up room, I have a slight fever/headache (slept at late night + a cup of instant coffee in the morning) till just now, she appeared, adding up more concern. This she, let's call her Illumination from now on... XD
Illumination isn't one of my colleague but more like we almost hang out every day because we basically sit just beside. There wasn't much tasks given today so we technically spending the time chatting generally about work life and aspiration. Because I've known her for quite some time now, I want to open up to her more although I'm almost certainly aware that she isn't that an open-minded person in the first place. So, I initiated a conversation that conveys about relationship. We started off pretty good until she asked my experience in romance. I did say I wasn't in any relationship so far (never had one before, yes) although I almost about to commit into one two years ago, saying that I wasn't ready and whatsoever. Her response was, "Boys can't wait, huh". It made me cringe, feeling repulsive towards her response but I had to chuckle, as if I really have no choice but to approve her heteromative-world mindset. She also asked if I had guy friends which of course I do have some, and I vividly remembered saying I'm not interested in any of them because I'm *hand down gesture*. She fucking misunderstood it by thinking that I have gay friends instead! Great. Honestly, I can't tell either she was being genuinely clueless or purposely acted oblivious about the hand gesture I did earlier (I was saying myself that I'm not a straight person); in which case, she probably can't accept that I'm queer. Reason why I started off the topic was because, thought I could give her a slight hint about my status too. But, truthfully it has to turn out to be another way.
Another similar story about how I felt the cringe so hard synonymously being crushed by a massive boulder to the ground. I wasn't having not-so-good day at work, feeling grumpy and hopeless as I had a family feud throughout whole week. I basically went from a happy-go-lucky person to the utmost shittiest personality I could bring up the entire day. I told everyone at work I wasn't doing well (I didn't say I was mentally sick, heck they would not understand shit about this matter) including Illumination. She was wondering why I acted so differently and had to tell her why. After work, before we parted our ways, she came again to ask me in detail why I wasn't doing ok. I simply said I had a feud with family members to her and surprised it or not, she blatantly said, "Is it that you fight with your boyfriend." knowing that she could pull it off by jokingly said that. In utter shock deeply inside, I responded with a polite no. I get it, she was trying to be nice but in a very fucking annoying typical people would do, with a bit of an irk twist by teasing and assuming we all have and only hetero-relationship problem when it comes to mental problem.
At the same time, I wish I could tell the story to anyone I know but it cannot be done at all but here.
Why does it have to be this way? My understanding to the idea of coming out has become greater and greater as I experienced it myself. The urge, the pressure and so forth. Really, it would be a big help if I had someone closer or someone I can trust around; this is why being with someone you trust comes to be a vital thing, especially in this matter. Now, I immensely understand how hard it is do so to anyone you know including friends, colleague, family members and society – it's hellishly difficult to come out.
