I'm back and it's almost the end of 2023 (Psst, at least I made it ;) hehehe).
Yesterday (3 December 2023), we departed our ways for the last time this year. I went to KL to help her moving out stuffs and it beat me up pretty fast – can't blame because I couldn't sleep for entire night before meeting her! A lot of things played in my mind during my stay at her new house. It's the vision where you realise that you'll never get her. With all of that giving me uncertainty and anxieties, I've decided not to fall for her anymore – not trying to get away from her or whatever, but for me to slow it down. I don't need to solely focus to her, slowly but surely as I slowly writing down on my notes;
New chapter? 2/12/23. I'm in her new house right now; E*** L******. I realised; I'm no longer feeling attached to her as she also didn't reciprocate – just holding hands still when we're walking.
I guess I no longer want to care about her. I'm giving up. She's the Illumination.
Why did I fell for her in the first place? =(
Yup, that straight girl. She was the same girl I used to write about haha. Yes. That's right. I fell for her. Actually, slowly the feeling fading away (Thank goodness!). What happened? TLDR; we were hanging out so much that I just shifted my feelings towards her and that's pretty much it. If I had to guess, it was because I was having other major crush at the time that had made me cry for good. There was this very moment I could recall vividly when, "Wait, I'm not falling for her am I? Gosh, somehow she's smart and cute haha". Bad moves. At some point, I can't even tell either she's straight or in denial or whatever. Again, I realised she's playing the tricks on me. Aiyahhh girl don't this to me arr. You hurt me liao.
We were also dove deep down into relationship, spesifically about marriage. She asked me; "When are you planning getting married? There must be at least a set or goal when you're getting married, don't lie.". I didn't look into her eyes when she asked this but I remember that I told her, "I'm not getting married. I'm not normal like you. To me, asking me about marriage is like asking about death, rizqi. Marriage is one of these 3 things, yes.". She couldn't further any longer right after hearing my statements. "But for whatever best for you, I support. May He protects you, always." I said it, whilst holding a book about benefits of dua book. The night went wild beforehand as we were crafting a tray for her new missing tray refrigerator – it was my idea though to create one though!
I really couldn't tell her either she's acting dumb or is she actually aware of what's going on... At least I gave her that much hints, hoping she notices it.
We were hanging out so much before until she feels comfortable to be around me. When we were hanging out together, we would hold hands (I can't describe how much I love this feeling too hahaha).
That sums up everything how I feel. Can I rest now?...
